Why?

I know it's been a while, a lot has happened in the last month or so. I found myself at my lowest once again with all the things that I'd buried, creeping their way up to the top, like I buried these things alive, and they were digging to find a way out, to find a way to breathe, to be set free.
Thankfully though, I put myself back together and am finally free from the past that was holding me down. I discovered the truth about my last relationship, the truth about him, the truth that you can care, and love, and support someone so much, but that doesn't necessarily mean they will do the same for you. You can't just assume that just because your heart is so big, that everyone else's is. And it's with these realisations that I've finally found happiness. Not the forced kind, but the kind where you don't need to convince yourself to be happy. Which is the best kind of happiness.

I also just came back from my holiday in Fiji for my brother's engagement which was absolutely beautiful, I must say. It was a much needed get away from reality, life. But here we are, back home, back to reality and life. Back to lazy days and nights.

After spending a whole day and night at home doing practically nothing, it made room for a lot of thinking time. Usually I'd spend my alone, thinking time on pointless things like my past relationship/s and make myself depressed, but today's topic was about something different. It was about this culture this generation lives in. The culture of sex, pleasure, money. The culture where our selfishness is so consuming that we are basically willing to do anything, or should I say anyone, to meet our physical needs. Of course, it's normal to have physical needs, everyone's got them. But it just amazes me how people, mainly boys, are so driven by this that they don't care who they hurt or lose in the process.

We are the selfish generation and it's unfortunate that we revolve our lives and our thinking around things such as sex and physical satisfaction rather than our futures or studies. It makes me think that being a generation that CRAVES existential validation from others, why are we then breaking one another emotionally, transforming each other into cynical, egotistical beings who don't know how to trust or let others in and can't for a second put their egos to one side to feel genuine emotions. You can't get validation from others if in the end, no one is going to let you in.

It makes me angry that we're all so afraid of love, commitment, caring, giving, receiving. It makes me angry that boys run away from things when they get 'too serious' or when girls find themselves so cautious because they're afraid of getting hurt.

Why have we become this way?

The Next Chapter.

So the beginning of the next chapter of my life is tomorrow.

University.

A while ago, the idea of University honestly scared the living daylights out of me. I didn't know what to expect, I was still holding on to school and the cosiness of it, the thought of being surrounded by thousands of people I didn't know, scared me. But now, my mindset has changed completely, without me even realising.

Somehow, I'm no longer scared of this new chapter of my life. I'm actually really looking forward to it. I'm looking forward to feeling older. I'm looking forward to meeting new people. I'm even looking forward to being on my own. Of course, I'm not looking forward to the early mornings and public transport and what not, but I'm excited for whats awaiting me. The new memories I'll make, the people I'll meet, the things I'll take part in. The independence. I'm excited.

I'm amazed at not only how quickly my life is changing, but also at how quickly I've changed. I feel stronger, liberated, empowered. And the best goddamn part is, I did it all on my own. And if I can do this for myself, I can do anything.

Bring on 2015. Bring on Uni. Bring on the next chapter of the book of my life. Bring on any obstacle. Come at me.

I dare you.

Kept Girl.

Progression.

Tell you what the best thing about getting hurt is? The progression. Obviously, once you're at your lowest point, it couldn't possibly get any lower, so you begin to progress and things start to get easier.

I'm proud to say that I'm starting to feel so much happier these days. I'm starting to find myself, love myself and find happiness in my own company. I'm not relying on others to keep me happy anymore and I can't express how proud of myself I am.

My aim for this year is to continue this mind set, to focus on things like University, my friends and of course, myself. Yes, the idea of Uni scares me slightly, but it's also quite exciting to be able to fully leave the past in the past and know that there's a whole new beginning ahead, a new start, to be the person I want to be, someone I can be proud of.

No more reckless decisions, no more getting involved with people who treat me like dirt, taking care of myself is my number one priority. It's time to put my foot down and be that independent, brown girl (I'm Indian btw :P ) that I've always wanted to be. And I can't wait. I want people to look at me and think, 'Wow, I wish I had her strength'. I want to look at myself and think 'Yep, I got this'. I want to look at the people who hurt me and feel nothing, no anger, no love, just nothing. I want to be able to see them and think to myself 'They're so irrelevant now.' and keep these people in my past, no letting them creep back in.

Getting hurt, losing someone, leaving someone, it all sucks for a period time. I felt like my healing process was honestly going nowhere. But eventually, you become sick of that continuous feeling of nothingness and you realise that the only way to get where you want to be is to put your foot down and see that the only person holding you back is the person that's looking at you in the mirror.

So in summary, I'm so fkn excited to feel happy again.

Kept Girl.

Epiphany.

I don't know about everyone else but for some reason the shower is usually the place where I think the most and more times than not, I find myself coming to so many conclusions about life or having these epiphanies. Today's little epiphany whilst I was ever so carefully shaving my legs, is probably the best one I've had yet.

For the last few weeks, I've been successfully struggling...or slowly healing, from a break up. Long story short, as per usual, I was more invested in what we had than he was and found myself putting up with just about anything because I 'loved' him. This boy was my first, for everything. He came into my life around last May and ever since then, changed my life. In the end it was basically all about the physical stuff, which, don't get me wrong, was great, but for me, it was much more than that. On January the 12th, I ended everything we had. Went to his house, dropped off all his gifts and whatever else I had, and left. Not a very nice way to end things, but I was just so hurt at the time. He said I bailed on him, but the truth is, he bailed on me a LONG time ago. Physically he was there, emotionally, he was long gone. I guess me leaving him just made his job of leaving me a lot easier. You're welcome.

Ever since then, I've had on and off moments where I'd ask myself whether leaving him was the right thing to do because I'd miss him. I'd find myself crying. I'd even consider getting into my car and driving over to his house, barging in and telling him to give it another shot. It's been a horribly messy few weeks that I've been dealing with. I've been struggling to adapt to not having him in my life. That's the thing about break ups. The hardest part, in my opinion, is trying to remember what your life was like before the person rocked up and attempting to go back to that. 

Today in the shower though, I was thinking about what exactly it was that I missed about him. He never showed me any real emotional affection, he never really made me feel all that special, on the rare occasion, yes, but 80% of the time, not at all. And then it dawned on me. I miss things like having him there, having someone to chill with, having the company, and I won't deny it, the sex. Then it all made sense. I don't miss him, I miss not being alone. There is a very, very big difference between missing someone and not wanting to be alone. I realised that all these reasons for missing him were so superficial and that even if he were to take me back, I'd want him for all the wrong reasons, reasons which would, in no way, create a strong foundation for any sort of relationship. I realised that my journey with him was for me to see exactly what I deserved and didn't deserve, and I sure as hell deserved better. 

I believe that certain people only come into your life to teach you a lesson, and then leave, as painful as it may be and as much as you would still want them in your life. He, without a doubt, fell under that category. I'm not saying any of these things out of anger, because I'm not angry about any of it anymore. I'm simply looking after myself, something I haven't done in so long because I've been too pre-occupied with pleasing those who aren't worth the time of day. 

He always said that if things ended badly, that he'd break me, but I can safely say he hasn't. In fact, I think he's made me stronger, so I'm grateful for that. 

I don't need to rely on someone else to keep me happy, in fact, I don't think anyone should. Giving someone the ability to make or break you is dangerous. You've got to learn to love yourself, if not, then how can you expect love from others? I finally feel content with being by myself. Instead of sobbing over missing him, I'm going to use this healing process to look after myself and put everything into perspective. Even just coming to terms with all of this in the shower has made me so much happier, and guess what, I'm having to see the kid tomorrow as well. Usually I'd be terrified, but I'm genuinely excited. Excited to show him that I'm actually happier.

Too often we find ourselves blinded by our, so called, 'love' for someone. But, I think we confuse that desire to feel attractive and wanted with love. It's not love, I didn't love him, I loved feeling like I mattered to someone, I loved the idea of having someone, so much so, that I was willing to do anything just to keep that feeling of being desired around. That's not love, that's pathetic.

Within moments, the last year with you became meaningless. Now, you're just that first boyfriend. A memory. Someone that I used to know. 

-Kept Girl

Adaptation.

To adapt is, by definition, to adjust, to modify, settle to new conditions. It's the process of change. The process of the well known statement of 'out with the old, in with the new'. Adaptation can be easy, enjoyable. But, it can also be a very difficult process. For myself, it's the latter, but I suppose the idea of time is what eases this difficult process. I just wish 'time' would get a move on and do its goddamn job.

I've never properly blogged before. I've come across many blogs of various purposes, food blogs, fashion blogs, inspirational, motivational blogs. It's amazing what's out there. I guess this blog is, quite blandly, just about my life. I feel as though blogging can be a great outlet, which is what I'm always searching for.

So I guess I should probably introduce myself...

I'm 18 years old from Australia, just finished high school and am about to embark on my next journey of University. My passion is music and more importantly, singing. I've been singing for as long as I can remember and it's a hobby that keeps me sane, grounded. I'm a thinker more than I am a talker. And when I start thinking, I don't stop, and it all goes downhill from there #overthinking. I wear my heart on my sleeve, probably dangerously selfless and love those who are not deserving. I am very emotional but, I also can become cynically numb if things are too hard. For some stupid reason, I have this irritating trait of seeing the good in everyone, it's quite frustrating to say the least. I am a horribly loud laugher and will laugh at basically anything. I don't always say everything that's on my mind, probably why I have a history of being taken advantage of. At the same time however, I have a history of going back and forth, running away from my troubles, and then coming back for more...it's probably the thing I hate most about myself, my inability to let go. I'm also not the prettiest, skinniest thing in the world, I wear make up not to impress others, but for my own self recognition, which I think is more important than the recognition from others. Yes, when i sit down, i have two rolls bulging over one another, and once upon a time that used to make me cry, but now, I've grown to accept how I am...and tell myself I have no right to complain if I'm not doing any exercise to deal with the issue to begin with :P I have loved and lost and am currently undergoing my own journey of adaptation, as difficult as it has been. Finally, you should all know, that sarcasm is my second language, if not my first. I am so sarcastic half the time that I don't even realise that I'm doing it, I literally have to make an unbelievably conscious effort to try and stop myself.

As you can see, I'm just your average girl and this blog is more just for me than for everyone else, but whoever does take the time to read it, thank you, I hope I don't bore you to death :P But seriously speaking, I guess this blog is essentially a part of my healing process, my way of adapting.

Take a listen to my absolute favourite singer, The Weeknd. This one's called 'Adaptation'.

Until next time,

Kept Girl