For the last few weeks, I've been successfully struggling...or slowly healing, from a break up. Long story short, as per usual, I was more invested in what we had than he was and found myself putting up with just about anything because I 'loved' him. This boy was my first, for everything. He came into my life around last May and ever since then, changed my life. In the end it was basically all about the physical stuff, which, don't get me wrong, was great, but for me, it was much more than that. On January the 12th, I ended everything we had. Went to his house, dropped off all his gifts and whatever else I had, and left. Not a very nice way to end things, but I was just so hurt at the time. He said I bailed on him, but the truth is, he bailed on me a LONG time ago. Physically he was there, emotionally, he was long gone. I guess me leaving him just made his job of leaving me a lot easier. You're welcome.
Ever since then, I've had on and off moments where I'd ask myself whether leaving him was the right thing to do because I'd miss him. I'd find myself crying. I'd even consider getting into my car and driving over to his house, barging in and telling him to give it another shot. It's been a horribly messy few weeks that I've been dealing with. I've been struggling to adapt to not having him in my life. That's the thing about break ups. The hardest part, in my opinion, is trying to remember what your life was like before the person rocked up and attempting to go back to that.
Today in the shower though, I was thinking about what exactly it was that I missed about him. He never showed me any real emotional affection, he never really made me feel all that special, on the rare occasion, yes, but 80% of the time, not at all. And then it dawned on me. I miss things like having him there, having someone to chill with, having the company, and I won't deny it, the sex. Then it all made sense. I don't miss him, I miss not being alone. There is a very, very big difference between missing someone and not wanting to be alone. I realised that all these reasons for missing him were so superficial and that even if he were to take me back, I'd want him for all the wrong reasons, reasons which would, in no way, create a strong foundation for any sort of relationship. I realised that my journey with him was for me to see exactly what I deserved and didn't deserve, and I sure as hell deserved better.
I believe that certain people only come into your life to teach you a lesson, and then leave, as painful as it may be and as much as you would still want them in your life. He, without a doubt, fell under that category. I'm not saying any of these things out of anger, because I'm not angry about any of it anymore. I'm simply looking after myself, something I haven't done in so long because I've been too pre-occupied with pleasing those who aren't worth the time of day.
He always said that if things ended badly, that he'd break me, but I can safely say he hasn't. In fact, I think he's made me stronger, so I'm grateful for that.
I don't need to rely on someone else to keep me happy, in fact, I don't think anyone should. Giving someone the ability to make or break you is dangerous. You've got to learn to love yourself, if not, then how can you expect love from others? I finally feel content with being by myself. Instead of sobbing over missing him, I'm going to use this healing process to look after myself and put everything into perspective. Even just coming to terms with all of this in the shower has made me so much happier, and guess what, I'm having to see the kid tomorrow as well. Usually I'd be terrified, but I'm genuinely excited. Excited to show him that I'm actually happier.
Too often we find ourselves blinded by our, so called, 'love' for someone. But, I think we confuse that desire to feel attractive and wanted with love. It's not love, I didn't love him, I loved feeling like I mattered to someone, I loved the idea of having someone, so much so, that I was willing to do anything just to keep that feeling of being desired around. That's not love, that's pathetic.
Within moments, the last year with you became meaningless. Now, you're just that first boyfriend. A memory. Someone that I used to know.
-Kept Girl
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